04
Dec
2018

Desolate. Exhausted.

| 04 December 2018
I have been feeling up and down for the past few days. I feel so alone. I need someone to talk to but it feels like nobody's there to listen.

My mom listens but always finds a way to rebuke me.

Others turn a deaf ear, deliberately or unintentionally I am not sure.

I want to scream, scream so loud.

No voice comes out.

Then I feel like I am a slave to my job.

People think that I am paid more than I should. Or that the work I do does not compensate to the amount of money I am paid.

Now I feel like a slave.

No matter how hard I work, it seems not enough.

I am tired.

I sometimes want to disappear.

This will be my middle finger to the world.

This will be my middle finger to everyone.


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01
Dec
2018

Do I own myself?

| 01 December 2018
I sometimes feel bone-tired not just physically but also mentally. There are times when I wonder if this life is even worth living. I feel like I am working and working to pay bills and to have something to eat. Is this even living?

I sometimes feel like I don't even own my life, as if I don't own myself.

My family own it. They own everything.

Expectations piling up on my shoulders, one after another.

Then another.

Then another.

I am earning money yet it makes me feel guilty to spend it on myself. I am working my ass off yet it seems I don't even have a right to it.

My mom and I had a conversation about a work-related meet-up where I can get free drinks. And she warns me about getting used to it.

I am 30.

I am 30.

I am 30.

I will drink if I want to.

She is my mom.

This is my body.

She has to know that I own my body.

This is mine.

She cannot take it from me.

I am not a child.

I work every day.

I provide what I am supposed to.

But this is my body. I will do what I want with it.

I am 30 and I know what's right and wrong.

This is my life and I should have a say in it.

This is my body and not anyone's.

Yet it feels like I cannot declare ownership over it.

I am tired.

I am exhausted.


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