04
Dec
2018

Desolate. Exhausted.

| 04 December 2018
I have been feeling up and down for the past few days. I feel so alone. I need someone to talk to but it feels like nobody's there to listen.

My mom listens but always finds a way to rebuke me.

Others turn a deaf ear, deliberately or unintentionally I am not sure.

I want to scream, scream so loud.

No voice comes out.

Then I feel like I am a slave to my job.

People think that I am paid more than I should. Or that the work I do does not compensate to the amount of money I am paid.

Now I feel like a slave.

No matter how hard I work, it seems not enough.

I am tired.

I sometimes want to disappear.

This will be my middle finger to the world.

This will be my middle finger to everyone.


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01
Dec
2018

Do I own myself?

| 01 December 2018
I sometimes feel bone-tired not just physically but also mentally. There are times when I wonder if this life is even worth living. I feel like I am working and working to pay bills and to have something to eat. Is this even living?

I sometimes feel like I don't even own my life, as if I don't own myself.

My family own it. They own everything.

Expectations piling up on my shoulders, one after another.

Then another.

Then another.

I am earning money yet it makes me feel guilty to spend it on myself. I am working my ass off yet it seems I don't even have a right to it.

My mom and I had a conversation about a work-related meet-up where I can get free drinks. And she warns me about getting used to it.

I am 30.

I am 30.

I am 30.

I will drink if I want to.

She is my mom.

This is my body.

She has to know that I own my body.

This is mine.

She cannot take it from me.

I am not a child.

I work every day.

I provide what I am supposed to.

But this is my body. I will do what I want with it.

I am 30 and I know what's right and wrong.

This is my life and I should have a say in it.

This is my body and not anyone's.

Yet it feels like I cannot declare ownership over it.

I am tired.

I am exhausted.


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11
Nov
2018

BORUTO: NARUTO THE MOVIE (not a review)

| 11 November 2018 | , , , , , |
I have just finished watching Boruto: Naruto the Movie. In fact, I have been binge-watching Naruto movies since last night. Reading so many hate comments about Boruto (as a character), I decided to give the movie a shot.

Well, Naruto's kid is such a brat. However, I wouldn't say I don't understand how he feels. It's like his father is there but not really there. Get the drift? I reckon the same thing happens in real life. Children tend to do things that can grab their inattentive parents' attention.

True, Naruto is Konoha's Hokage and he is responsible for the hidden village's peace and order. However, I have always believed that before a person is a leader, they are first humans. Before he is a Hokage, he is a husband and a father. Despite his responsibilities as a leader, he also has responsibilities as a father.

In real life, children have the tendency to do stupid (or sometimes despicable) things just to get their parents' undivided attention. Let's not forget that Boruto is practically a kid, a growing human who has to be nurtured and cared for by his parents. His mom may be ever-present, but his father has to do his fair share of work in bringing him up.

That's another thing! Boruto, both the animation series and the movie, seems to domesticate Hinata so much. It is 2018 yet it appears that the way women are being portrayed is still backward. Let's say that it is Hinata's choice to be a homemaker. Even so, all her scenes are mostly about cooking or doing household chores. Why? I don't event want to get into that.

As I have been writing, Boruto may be annoying but I totally understand. All kids, I mean all of them, are generally irritating. The same goes for Boruto. However, it is up to Naruto and Hinata to raise him into a decent human being. At this rate, Boruto has a long way to go.
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06
Nov
2018

WRITING NARUTO FAN FICTION

It's a funny coincidence that I have recently checked my Fanfiction.net account and someone sent me a private message today. I was asked if I had any plans to continue writing The Shattered Pieces. Unfortunately, I don't have any inspiration to continue writing the story and I haven't seen any Naruto episode for ages. However, knowing that someone is actually watching out for my story motivates me a little to go back to the fandom and start writing once again.

I hope I could!

The good thing is that I have been keeping up with my Nanowrimo entry. Looking back to my 2015 entry, I am around 7,000 words behind this year. Then again, I told myself before beginning my story that it wouldn't matter whether I make it to 50,000. The important thing for me right now is that I can go back to one of my greatest loves, writing.
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04
Nov
2018

On writing and the lack of inspiration

It has been approximately five years since I last updated my Naruto fan fiction. I still receive comments here and there, asking me for an update. Unfortunately, I don't have any ideas on how I should continue that story. The thing is that it is a NejiSaku story, and Neji dies in the series. How do I move on when I know Neji never gets the chance to grow old. Well, at least Sakura gets to marry Sasuke, which is a happy ending for her (except for how dysfunctional family).

That aside, I have also left my Wattpad story hanging. I haven't had the chance to move on from it, especially that I lost my inspiration to write. Listening to music no longer works for me. Words used to flow naturally when I listen to music. Sadly, this does not help me as much as it did before.

Nevertheless, there's still a part of me that wants to continue writing. I hope I can get to write little by little.


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